We won't sleep together?
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
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