i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
