Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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