What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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