I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
