I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
