Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
