Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
