If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Randomize
