then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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