the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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