Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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