Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize
