its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
