I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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