it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
