No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
