I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
