Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
If its not for food we ain't going out.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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