She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
