I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
50% drunk capacity currently
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
