It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Vodka?
Forever.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
