I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
