i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
