The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
