You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Randomize
