I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
