I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
