you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
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