Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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