if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
