I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
