Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
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Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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