There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
