the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
you mean i was at the winter classic?
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Randomize
