tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
