Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
