Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize
