If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
