She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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