best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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