things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
