dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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