they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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