capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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