I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Even my vagina gasped.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
