I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
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