that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Randomize
