I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
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at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
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But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
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