about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
