There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
