Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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