Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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