and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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