wrigley field is MILF paradise
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
